he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
