she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I deserve this hangover.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
