So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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