I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
