plz talk dirty to me
Say something about gay babies.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
