I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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