theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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