Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
