I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
God I need to hump something, right now.
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