lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
