Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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