how can u be prego again
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
