I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
