Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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