I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
