yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
