he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
