I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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