I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
