The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wish there were birth control emojis
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
