Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
