When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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