I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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