Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
