Who wears a wallet chain?!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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