So drunk its hurt
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
