Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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