Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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