Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
