a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
