But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
