he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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