I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
