omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
50% drunk capacity currently
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
