I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the day after is always just damage control
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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