I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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