i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
