Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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