i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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