so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
