im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
