What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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