I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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