Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
