im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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