also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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