I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize