Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize