dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
