You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
