I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
