my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
