so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize