What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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