My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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