You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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