Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
