omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
