he thought i was a dude.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
