I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
