i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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