I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize