Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize